you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
