Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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