nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
