shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
