This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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