Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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