Only a mothe r could love this liver
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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