I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
