I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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