So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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