I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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