As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I die, sorry about rent.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
