party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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