I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
