Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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