you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
