The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
