halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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