If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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