This is not my ceiling
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
