Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
