I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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