would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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