i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
