my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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