I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
