Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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