he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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