I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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