I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
