Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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