Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
