I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
