Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
