Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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