What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
