Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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