FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
