laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
