Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
True strength comes from lack of pants
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
