you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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