All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
