Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
