hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
