I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
