I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
