So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
