So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
