The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
