I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize