If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
