Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
