I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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