i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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