she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
