don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
