dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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