The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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