Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
