Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
