everyone is single if you try hard enough
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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